I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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