Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
