allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
