I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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