The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel great
I just peed on a car
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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