im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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