sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
