Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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