i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
