I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
