I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
