In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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