Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
