dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
