i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
