You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
