wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
