hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
