News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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