I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize