so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
honey bunches of taint.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
