you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
