mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
