My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
