Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
