if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
