I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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