I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
