i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone came in the potted fern
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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