I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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