You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
