I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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