the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize