Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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