nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
