apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
