McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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