I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I deserve this hangover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize