Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
