And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
