Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
