I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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