I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
