so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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