So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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