Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
