I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
