I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
