how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
