she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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