theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
