The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
