dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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