I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize