i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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