I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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