My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
